"I don't count the marks on the wall, and I don't sleep well at all..."

Sleep isn't my friend right now. I think we're fighting, but I'm not really sure why. Perhaps my brain just doesn't know when to stop, so it just keeps on going, and keeps me from dreams. I'm going to take some Unisom now and read until I fall asleep, which hopefully will be within the hour. Wish me luck!

"Dancing with the night when I fell off your mind..."

Another tiring day. Heading to sleep early since J has informed me that he's set his alarm for 6am so we can get up and make breakfast. In case he doesn't sleep through his alarm, I figure I should maybe try to sleep at a reasonable hour...

Also heading in to work tomorrow for a few hours; got a new project to work on and they've opened up overtime indefinitely since the project is quite large and there are only 4 of us working on it. On the plus side, I'll have more things to distract me from the blergs of life, and I'll be making some extra money. On the bad side, I'll be working longer hours/weekends and have less time for other things. I guess this just means I'll have to be sure to enjoy and appreciate my free time for a while. :)

"Elevator, elevator; take me home..."

Long day; need sleep.

"The whole world is moving, and I'm standing still..."

Another non-update night. Spent the past few hours reading through literature on current hospice practices and regulations, and now I want to see if I can get myself into a writing zone (non-bloggy kind). Hopefully tomorrow after my training I'll have more of an update for this. We'll see!

"Used to believe in a lot more; now I just see straight ahead..."

I have a lot on my mind today. More than usual, and my usual would probably drive most people mad. So, I took refuge under my headphones while at work so I could try to focus and get my work done, and so I could not distract myself from the thoughts. I like the days when I'm pensive, but not sad; it gives me a chance to gain some good perspective on things since I'm rational and not emotional.

Today's thoughts were mostly involving religion and love. Two things that dominate most peoples lives, and two things that most people strive to have and hold on to. I was raised Catholic, but since my confirmation, I've become a pretty passive Catholic. The older I get, the more I question things and the more I find it hard to believe in things. Things that are ingrained in most of us from a young age. I still refer to myself as Catholic when people ask, but I am more agnostic than anything these days. I think I believe in some higher being/purpose, but I don't really know what it is. But, part of me thinks that there isn't anything beyond this, and that scares a lot of people. "If this is all that there is, then why are we here at all? What does any of it matter?" But, if there isn't anything beyond our life, and it just ends after we die, that doesn't really scare me. If anything, it makes me want to be a better person and do more things since you really only get one chance at anything. If there's no heaven, then the only time we have with our loved ones is right now. Most people spend their lives in fear of wronging or disappointing their god or going against what they've been taught is right. And that's something that has put me off from conformed religions since I was probably in middle school; I don't want to live in fear of making the wrong choices or doing something that may offend god/the universe.

Sadly, though, I have a bad case of the Catholic guilt and just can't seem to shake it. Even though I don't take much stock in the bible, I am still a pretty moral and ethical person. I daresay I'm more Christian-like than a lot of Christians. But, I've been questioning a lot of things this past year, including where I stand on the idea of god, but more where I stand with my own moral code. I've done things that have not made me feel very good about myself, which has made me question if they are the right thing for me to be doing. I'd spent a while thinking that I was a bad person, and that if I was wrong about the whole god thing, then I may be screwed. I went so far as to observe Lent this year for the first time in a decade, which I'm not even really sure why. Part of me thinks it was sort of as a penance for my sins, but I think I did it more as a test of my faith. And I'm not sure I passed. Oh well. C'est la vie, I guess.

Along the same vein as religion, mortality has also been on my mind a lot this week since I will be going to a training for my volunteer work with a local hospice on Thursday. Some people think it's hard and depressing to be with hospice patients, but it shouldn't be. Most of the people on hospice have accepted that they are nearing their end and just want to enjoy what little time they have left. And I get to be a part of that, and hopefully bring them a bit of joy when they might need it most. It's one of the feel good things I do, and I hope to keep volunteering with this hospice for a long time. It's gratifying knowing that I'm helping someone through a tough time, and it helps me do my part to make at least my world a better place. I can't fix politics, can't end wars or hunger, but I do what I can to help some people in my community have some peace. And that's good enough for me for now.

Maybe one day I can fix politics, though. Baby steps...

I also had thoughts on love, but I think I need to stop here for today. I have some things to read and some tests to do before Thursday, and I figure I should try to get it done tonight so I'm not scrambling the night before to finish it. But, knowing me, I'll find a way to scramble to finish tomorrow night, too. Procrastination FTW.

"I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."

Another good night! And I even bowled pretty well for once! Yoda and I have been attempting to work on a podcast project and tonight was the first productive night we've had. Yoda had prepared some questions for our friend Tracy and I took lots and lots of pictures. Over 500 pictures, mostly of Tracy, and now I get to sort through them all and pick out the best. I got them off of my memory card, and scanned through them all quickly, and I think that I had more turn out than I'd expected to, so woot!

Ok. Time to sleep, and tomorrow I'll work on fixing up some pics to send to Yoda and then hopefully getting in some quality time with J-man. He cried a bit this morning and didn't want to go to school. Today was his first day back after spring break, which I'm sure had a lot to do with the breakdown, but he said he missed me and wanted to spend the day with me since he didn't get to see me much this past week. With most kids, I'd assume they were just saying that to get sympathy, and maybe he was... He is kind of a momma's boy, though, so there is some truth to his statement, me thinks. Oh well. Either way, we'll have some ham tomorrow night and read a bit, and all will be well.

But, for now, I'm going to get ready for bed and maybe fall asleep to some Jane's Addiction. They've been creeping into my playlists more and more lately and I like it. I like it a whole lot.

"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one..."

^_^

"I'll end world hunger; I'll make dolphins speak..."

Geez Louise. I started this project, thinking I have all of this free time to dedicate to updating a simple blog every day. Little did I know that I'd be busier than ever, therefore more tired than usual. But, I do appear to be not sick anymore, which helps. And tomorrow is Ham Day, which also helps. I think most people call it "Easter", which I think is Latin for "Yay Ham Day".

I went for a walk this morning, which gave me an excuse to take pictures of churches in town for an hour. I still need to sort through those photos and upload them, so now I'm going to go and do that instead of try to be clever on here. Maybe my ham overload tomorrow will induce creativity instead of a pork coma. But...I'm putting my money on coma.

"The lunatic is on the grass..."

What a day. And by that I mean it was rubbish. Also, "rubbish" is a great word that I have been using a lot this week. It was also yet another tiring day. I think I'm still kind of sick, though, so I'm heading to bed right now on a Friday night at 10pm. What the what. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be rested and energized. I have a book on reserve at the library and am planning to take a nice long trek to the library and then to the grocery store in the morning, and hoping to take plenty of pics along the way. I haven't really been taking many pictures this week aside from my necessity pics to keep with my picture-a-day goal, so I'm hoping that tomorrow will change that.

Ok. Time for some meds and then some sleepage. I just hope I can sleep straight through the night and not wake up before 7am. Wishful thinking? Yeah, probably.

ps. Happy Earth Day! ^_^

"Is it out of line if I was to be bold and say 'Would you be mine'?"

Another long day today that has left me tired and...well, mostly just tired. There were a few times today, though, that I wanted to update on here, but couldn't because I was stuck in a casino in Iowa. I think I need to get myself a netbook that I can keep with me at all times, or invest in a Xoom or iPad. Yeah, that should be on my list. I do keep a notebook with me, but when I write fast (which is usually always), I tend to have horribly sloppy penmanship that I even I have a hard time deciphering. I should probably put more stock in the ol' pen and paper, though; crazy cheap and doesn't require a power cord.

Tomorrow night, I have no plans FINALLY, so I'm hoping to do a nice long update on here to make up for my half-assed updates this week. Tonight, though, I am going to take a shower to wash all of this bus and second-hand casino smoke off of me and then head to bed. And it will be magical.

Oh! And tomorrow is Earth Day! Do your part to make the world a better place, even if it's conserving water or electricity for even one day. Every little bit helps!! :)

"I can read the writing on the wall..."

For the past week, I've been unusually tired, and I just assumed it was due to my busy schedule I'd been keeping. Turns out I was just getting sick. *sigh* Started feeling ucky last night, and today at work it was worse, so I decided to head home early to attempt to nap it off. 4 hours later and the nap did the trick! Hopefully I'll stay on the healthy side now, and I've warded off any further ucks, but I guess we'll see. I'm just glad that I'm feeling better, otherwise tomorrow would be a not so great day.

Speaking of tomorrow, my parents have finally convinced me to join them on a day bus trip to a casino. This has become one of their favorite pastimes, and they've been asking me to go for months. I finally gave in and said yes, so tomorrow morning at just before 7:30, we'll be on our way to Iowa for the day. Yeah, I said Iowa. This will be a magical bus tour, and I am bringing my camera to hopefully at least get some good shots of my parents and their friend Cheryl. For the bulk of the bus ride, though, I hope to be reading or listening to music; I need some relaxing time since I haven't had much time for me lately.

And speaking of music, this morning at work was dedicated to Simon and Garfunkel. I'd been without my iPod for several months last year, and lost touch with a ton of music because of it, but I'm starting to get back to my spastic, eclectic listening habits...and I like it. After some time with S & G, I decided to let my 19000+ library of tunes go on random and my ears approved of the playlist that emerged. Tom Waits, The Flaming Lips, Swans, The Kills...well, there was more than just those, but I can't remember them anymore. :( Man, I am getting old. The mind just isn't what it used to be.

And then speaking of losing your mind, I took a bit of time today to read some Ginsberg, because sometimes you just gotta read some Ginsberg (the losing your mind association to Ginsberg is mostly from Howl, which hopefully you got...if not, you should probably go and read it. Now.). I will also be bringing a notebook and pen with me tomorrow, since I've been feeling pretty inspired lately and am hoping to find my muse again. I miss writing poetry, since it's very therapeutic, but I just haven't had the drive to write much of anything. Sadpants. Oh well. Hopefully I can change this.

Well, since 6am is going to creep up faster than I'd like, I should probably consider sleeping some time soon. And with that, I bid you adieu.

"With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair..."

Weather is unpredictable. It's nearing the end of April and we were issued a winter storm warning today. Only in Wisconsin...

Had it not been for the snow, I would have been enjoying the sweet sweet songs of Colin Meloy tonight in Madison, but with the conditions as they were, we decided it best to stay in town and forgo our 3rd Decemberists concert. I miss going to concerts, though. We used to go to a few every year, but last year was a bit disappointing in the number of concerts we went to. I should add that to my list this year: see more bands. I don't even care if they are big, popular bands; I enjoy just seeing musicians perform, even if I'd never heard of them. I love the creation and expression of songwriting and performing, and it makes me wish I'd had any real talent for either. Since I don't, I get to live vicariously through those who have the talent and drive to pursue it. I just wish I knew more of them!

Speaking of songwriting, I had a friend once ask me if I ever wrote songs. I replied that I never had, but that I did write poetry from time to time and he told me it was the same thing. I guess I'd always considered songwriting a form a poetry, but I never really thought that all poetry could be considered songwriting. I still don't think that I agree, but I could see how some people are just inclined to write poetry that can always be lyrical and adaptable to song. If all poetry is songwriting, though, I would love for someone to come up with a greatest hits album of Emily Dickinson. I nominate Hello Saferide for this job; she just might be quirky and wonderful enough to make it work. As a side note, Emily Dickinson is on poets.org. Can you guess the URL for her? www.poets.org/edick/ I'm either tired or getting unfunkified, but either way, that totally made me giggle. And I needed a giggle.

Life did get back to a level of almost sanity for me today, which was a welcome change. Yesterday was just rubbish, and parts of today were rubbish, too. I think it ended up being a good thing that I was a shut in tonight instead of going out and being social; it helped me to forget the world and focus on Karen-y stuff, which I really don't make time for as often as I should. One of the things I'm focusing on right now is removing the negative things from my life (well, the ones that are removable, anyway). It'll be hard to let go and give up some things, but it's for the greater good of me and my well being, so I think it'll be worth it in the end. Hopefully.

Well, it's getting late and I have been sleeping like ass full of ass lately, so I'm going to attempt to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. If it works, I may just get up early to do some yoga and make myself some nummy breakfast. The only problem is that thinking it at night, it sounds like an amazing and totally doable idea! But, once morning rolls around, I decide that I was delirious the night before and that no rational person would ever think that getting up to do yoga at 6am was a good idea.

Silly Karen. What were you thinking?

"Many times I've gazed along the open road..."

Having a pretty rough day, in a lot of ways. Work, life, relationships or lack thereof. I've had such an extraordinarily great week...and now I just can't seem to care. Or I guess it's more that I care too much, and I can't be content with the mediocrity of everything anymore. Today is just one of those days that I became unavoidably aware of where I stand in all parts of my life and it's a saddening reality to face. And striving to do the things I want and love seems like an impossible venture, and one that I really am not sure I'm capable of doing anytime soon.

Ok. Enough vague venting. Tomorrow I'll regain my sanity and life will go on. But for tonight, I just want to sleep.

"She don't use jelly or any of these..."

I was going to talk about documentaries for a bit tonight, since I have found a few new rockumentaries to watch...but I am just so crazy tired tonight that I think I'm going to sleep instead. I've been busy aaaall week, and it's finally catching up to me.

Pretty sure this means I'm officially old.
*sigh*

"And when the night is cloudy there is a light that shines on me..."

Today was a busy day. A fantastically wonderful busy day. I got to volunteer at the Humane Society this morning with J-man, and we fell in love with an adorable sheltie named Bailey (that we sadly cannot adopt). I got to tour the library and purchase baked goods there. I got to eat lunch with some of my favorite people at one of my favorite restaurants. I got to see my parents and also got to spend some quality time with J-man until this evening. And then I got to spend the rest of the night listening to good music with some great friends. If every day were this great, I'm certain I could find a way to solve all of the world's problems, with sheer optimism and happy thoughts.

But, even in a day filled with such awesome, I did fail myself a bit. Well, I mostly just kind of failed at Catholicism yet again. I had decided to observe Lent this year for the first time in almost a decade, and in doing so, I gave up alcohol and soda for 6 weeks...or 5, in this case. I am weak! But, it's not totally my fault. Yesterday, Friday, I had inadvertently eaten meat, which is a no-no for we Catholics during Lent. And, it also didn't hit me that it was wrong until last night, when I realized that it was indeed Friday and that it was in fact not Easter yet. Having already failed, though, I decided tonight that my oops of a ham sandwich voided out all other things I'd been abstaining from, so I had 3 Jameson and Cokes, and about 4 shots. Oh well. Can't say I didn't at least try!

Ok. I got the pics from tonight's concert up on Flickr already, and have to be in Waupun by 10am tomorrow to retrieve Jackson, and then head to bowling with friends. Still feeling a bit guilty about my giving up on Lent, but if you aren't feeling guilty about something, you're not being a true Catholic...so I think this works in my favor, really.

Maybe I'll just say some Hail Marys tonight and call it a day.

^_^

"It's hard to overstate my satisfaction."

A few weeks ago, I was looking through photos of Japan after the earthquake/tsunami devastated the country. One picture in particular struck me profoundly and made me remember back a decade or so ago when I'd had the inkling to pursue a career in photojournalism. I couldn't really afford to go to college at the time, so my plan was going to be to work for a year or so, save up some money, and then go to a local college so I could commute from home. Well, long story short, I instead became a mother and haven't really looked back on the what-ifs of my youth...but that day, that picture, resonated with the teenage Karen in me and got me thinking about what I'm doing with my life. I sent Yoda an e-mail, telling him about all of this, and how I thought it'd also be great to be a radio host of sorts and interview people/ramble about things I want to ramble about. That discussion led to us deciding that we should do a podcast together.

Well, it's been about a month now, and we still are "planning" to do a podcast. He did give me a bit of homework last night, though, to get the ball rolling, and we have a plan to talk business on Wednesday and hopefully get up to Oshkosh to take some evening pics downtown. So, hopefully we'll be making some headway with that in the next week or two, and I'm really looking forward to it! This gives me 5 more days to finish these questions and maybe pose some of own, but with my leet procrastination skills, I'll get it done Wednesday morning at about 1:45am. Actually, this answers one of the questions: when are you most creative? I can be pretty creative when I'm in a hyper, sugar-filled good mood, but also in the wee hours of the morning when I'm sleep deprived and unable to stop thinking. It's the latter that I'm more inclined to write down my thoughts, though, as opposed to spurting them out in a sing-songy voice (and maybe with an accompanying dance).

This week has been good for creativity and just life in general, and today was no exception. I even had a pretty great day at work, which is always a pleasant surprise! Tonight I had some friends over for Rock Band and even got to take some pictures when I wasn't drumming away. Now I think that it's time for me to head to bed, though, so that I can get up early for some volunteering at the local Humane Society. Tomorrow will be pretty hectic, and I just can't wait for it to get here.

^_^

"Today is the greatest day I've ever known..."

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I didn't spend it mourning the impending end to my youthful twenties. I didn't spend it dreading the fact that I'm another year closer to "middle aged". And I did not spend it sitting ever-bored in my cubicle, staring at a computer screen for a seeming eternity (which, if you want to be technical about it, is approximately 8 hours). No, I didn't do anything that could make my day full of woe or suckitude, but I did get to spend a few extra minutes with my son on the school grounds, and watch him run around the playground until the bell rang. I then got to meet my good friend Yoda for some delicious diner breakfast at Joan's Kitchen, complete with Bosco berry blue milk and sugared omelets. After that, I got to spend a few hours of quality time with Mother Nature, accompanied by my epic musical playlist (a playlist I've since titled "Yeah, That's Right"), which led me straight into an evening of new friends and experiences that won't soon be forgotten.

Yesterday could have just been another Wednesday. It could have just been another birthday, too. It was a good day to be me, for sure. It apparently was also a good day for singing Regina Spektor to fish. But more than that, I hope that one day I'll look back on it and see that day as the beginning of a new journey for me. A journey where I leave the safe and comfortable confines of what I know, and venture to new, unknown places and experiences.

Before I left for my date with nature, Yoda had given me my birthday present: a copy of the Oxford Project. He added an inscription inside, telling me how one of his friends uses this book as an ongoing source of inspiration for him as a photojournalist, and also some of his advice for me. I haven't had a chance to really sit down to look through and read the stories yet, but the few glances I've been able to catch here and there have me hopeful that this book will be a good resource and an inspirational tool to keep my creative juices flowing, and my motivation piqued (I hope!).

If my day had ended there, I think I still would have felt a bit pumped about a new project, but it didn't end there. *insert dramatic flashback sequence here* A few years back, I became a bit of a social-media addict and simply signed up for as many up-and-coming sites as I could. Some of them were pretty boring. Some were extremely redundant. But some were fun. And some were fun AND also addicting. One such addicting site was blip.fm, and I'd befriended a few blippers over the years that I not only had similar musical tastes with, but later learned I'd had more in common with beyond our mutual love of indie pop. Fast forward a couple of years, and an opportunity presents itself that I get to meet not just one, but two of these musical soul mates of mine.

Enter Eva and Emmet.

In the few hours that I was able to spend with Eva and Emmet, I got to: sit in on an art discussion group that Emmet had with a few of his Hmong students and learn about their culture and history, talk about music and politics and just random life with the E's, and I got to observe Eva in her natural habitat: behind a camera. Later on, as she and I ate pancakes and chocolate cake at 10:30pm, she even gave me a mini crash course in photography. She also seemed certain that I am to do something artsy with my life and was surprised that I had never taken any art courses. Her persistent encouragement last night to have me take some art classes, coupled with Yoda's inspiring gift on photojournalism, led me to a day of a lot thinking. I am notorious for wanting to do things, and getting ideas to do new things...and then never doing anything. And you know what? I hate that. I hate that I can't follow through on things, and that I can always find a reason to NOT do something. I want to do...something. Anything. Everything! But, for now, I'm going to focus on a few things that I can realistically accomplish, and then I'll work on everything else.

Baby step #1: I'm going to update this blog daily. Since I don't know if I can actually get myself to ramble on each day, I am going to push myself to, at the very least, take one picture a day and post it here, but hopefully I'll have something to say, too.

I just hope, for my sake and the sake of anyone who decides to read this, that I'm not this long winded each time.

^_^