"Used to believe in a lot more; now I just see straight ahead..."

I have a lot on my mind today. More than usual, and my usual would probably drive most people mad. So, I took refuge under my headphones while at work so I could try to focus and get my work done, and so I could not distract myself from the thoughts. I like the days when I'm pensive, but not sad; it gives me a chance to gain some good perspective on things since I'm rational and not emotional.

Today's thoughts were mostly involving religion and love. Two things that dominate most peoples lives, and two things that most people strive to have and hold on to. I was raised Catholic, but since my confirmation, I've become a pretty passive Catholic. The older I get, the more I question things and the more I find it hard to believe in things. Things that are ingrained in most of us from a young age. I still refer to myself as Catholic when people ask, but I am more agnostic than anything these days. I think I believe in some higher being/purpose, but I don't really know what it is. But, part of me thinks that there isn't anything beyond this, and that scares a lot of people. "If this is all that there is, then why are we here at all? What does any of it matter?" But, if there isn't anything beyond our life, and it just ends after we die, that doesn't really scare me. If anything, it makes me want to be a better person and do more things since you really only get one chance at anything. If there's no heaven, then the only time we have with our loved ones is right now. Most people spend their lives in fear of wronging or disappointing their god or going against what they've been taught is right. And that's something that has put me off from conformed religions since I was probably in middle school; I don't want to live in fear of making the wrong choices or doing something that may offend god/the universe.

Sadly, though, I have a bad case of the Catholic guilt and just can't seem to shake it. Even though I don't take much stock in the bible, I am still a pretty moral and ethical person. I daresay I'm more Christian-like than a lot of Christians. But, I've been questioning a lot of things this past year, including where I stand on the idea of god, but more where I stand with my own moral code. I've done things that have not made me feel very good about myself, which has made me question if they are the right thing for me to be doing. I'd spent a while thinking that I was a bad person, and that if I was wrong about the whole god thing, then I may be screwed. I went so far as to observe Lent this year for the first time in a decade, which I'm not even really sure why. Part of me thinks it was sort of as a penance for my sins, but I think I did it more as a test of my faith. And I'm not sure I passed. Oh well. C'est la vie, I guess.

Along the same vein as religion, mortality has also been on my mind a lot this week since I will be going to a training for my volunteer work with a local hospice on Thursday. Some people think it's hard and depressing to be with hospice patients, but it shouldn't be. Most of the people on hospice have accepted that they are nearing their end and just want to enjoy what little time they have left. And I get to be a part of that, and hopefully bring them a bit of joy when they might need it most. It's one of the feel good things I do, and I hope to keep volunteering with this hospice for a long time. It's gratifying knowing that I'm helping someone through a tough time, and it helps me do my part to make at least my world a better place. I can't fix politics, can't end wars or hunger, but I do what I can to help some people in my community have some peace. And that's good enough for me for now.

Maybe one day I can fix politics, though. Baby steps...

I also had thoughts on love, but I think I need to stop here for today. I have some things to read and some tests to do before Thursday, and I figure I should try to get it done tonight so I'm not scrambling the night before to finish it. But, knowing me, I'll find a way to scramble to finish tomorrow night, too. Procrastination FTW.